They say that the happiest seeming people hide the deepest, saddest, and darkest secrets.
On a scientific aspect, Depression is a life-long illness, hereditary, inborn, and sometimes triggered by an unforeseen cause or sometimes just comes out “naturally.” Diagnosis could be preceded by a number of ill-fated events in one’s life, massive mood swings, unexplainable irritability, self-loathing, feeling of incompetence, entertaining the ideation of non-existence, and just fundamentally losing all the will to live.
The crippling effect of suffering from Depression isn’t the lingering feeling of unhappiness, or despair – that perhaps may be one of the biggest misconceptions and an unfitting understatement; it is the constant feeling of emptiness. There is a chronic albeit periodic feeling of utmost meaninglessness, not knowing what to do next or how to feel, as if dictated by society to just always be “okay” which on the whole makes things worse.
To live a life with Depression is more than just a feeling of melancholy. On a personal note, I can liken it to living a life of imminent doom, with a strong gravitational pull towards a black hole – empty, lifeless, and lethargic. It is as if the whole world has become a boredom wasteland, and the only option is to lay passive with the constant debate in one’s mind of whether to face the battle, or just suck it in.
Back when the world appeared more vibrant and colorful, back when everything apparently seemed to be in place, there was a certain point of contentment and satisfaction. The battle begins when you do not exactly know what you’re dealing with. For years, I was convinced that I was probably just bored with my life, unable to comprehend the beauty and magic of what others perceive as a boundless mind filled with creativity and imagination.
Depression is a demon that lurks and attacks when you least expect it. For my case, it was at when I thought everything was falling completely into place. But I was wrong. The difficulty in facing what would be called the lowest point of my life came at an unperceived time. It gradually pulled me towards a life of mediocrity – which I always swore against – eventually pushing me towards the edge.
I used to believe that I was a victim of circumstance, practically blamed everything and everyone except myself; but I realized that this may or may not be my fault, but the power has always been in my hands.
Without discussing the details of what that grief-stricken era of my life was, I started seeking professional help. The battle slowly made sense. I embraced and accepted every approach to cure what was causing my then vibrant and colorful world to dwindle into a black and white, no gray area existence. I knew I had to suck the venom out. I saw to it that everything which wasn’t serving me good had to be cut out, even if it means losing what I thought were important to me – people, places, things, and situations.
One of the massive and crucial factors of facing this encounter is a strong army behind you. The help of a solid-ground support system paved way into bringing me back into the consciousness of what I was supposed to be doing with my life, filtering the feelings of bareness, providing short term solutions to kill the boredom and to avoid the feeling of defenselessness yet again.
I must admit it is hard to get back on track, still consistently seeking permission on what to do and how to feel. Faced with any situation, I confess I still would not know how to react. Oftentimes, I incessantly fall into that deep, dark abyss of emptiness; a murky, unfathomable whirlpool of vulnerability – still. However a conscious effort needs to be made in order for one to rise above the stereotype of depression. On one’s own pace, without any imperative command from society. Again, the power is always, and ultimately in one’s hands.
It is frequently said that the happiest seeming people hide the deepest, saddest, and darkest secrets. But no secret goes without being revealed. Today, perhaps would be one of those days when light shines bright, tomorrow may be a dim one; but nonetheless the fight against this is clear. And it has begun.
As of this writing, I have quit my regular job to follow my passion in the arts and the like. I am also overwhelmed by the vastness of the positive feedback in my work and I am slowly feeling a sensation of excitement and astonishment in this new life chapter. Wish me luck!
//konradfox 